Art Therapy; combining my illness with art as a professional artist; PART TWO

CLICK HERE to read Part One

success-882592_640What if I were to take away the end game? To stop trying to attempt the perfect piece that I must sell and have every one love and has to be added into my portfolio or painted with an agenda.

Has my painting become too serious? Do I paint for fun? Do I paint to experience the joy of creating? Do I allow ALL of my creativity to come out while expressing myself through each piece I create?

If I am so passionate as not only a person but an artist, why isn’t it ok to put my experience ALL that I feel and have experienced into my art? Will it be ok to combine them without losing my art? Will this enhance my art and allow me to grow and blossom as an artist?

I feel as if I’m holding back, however I have in reality been held back by this illness. So my time that I feel good enough to stand in front of the easel that time is so precious, limited, so when the getting is good, get it. I have not a second to spare or to time to waste, I feel as if I am playing catch up and should be so much further along than I am not only as an artist, the amount or body of work and as a person.

I should have had a long list of colleges and international academy’s behind me, instead I have a list of doctors and illnesses. How do you let that go and be in the present with all of that weighing at me? To let all of that go, embrace my illnesses and allow those intimate emotions onto my canvas? Let alone it being therapeutic for my continual healing.

I am in the healing process, how do I let my art be that as a professional artist?

Embrace both, quite fighting it; release what you feel that is inside you without judgment or fear. Just allow it to come, however, when ever, allow yourself to just paint and create for the art of it not the persona side, you don’t need to wear that mask at this time, now is not that time. It will need to be there as a professional, but put it in its place. You come first, you the artist, your health, your creativity.

scribble-153741_640Let alone, heaven forbid I draw loosely and sketch like a 5 year old for fun, to do something that will never hang on a wall? What is that? I went to art school in order to create master pieces that is worthy of galleries and museums and then you tell me to create something that is sloppy and doesn’t need to be perfect. I have studied perspective and the rule of thirds and then you tell me to let all of that hard work and training go to just have fun with art as if you were 5?

Ah….ok. What the F*^K is that; Abstract? Whatever goes and if you can’t figure it out or if it sucks just call it abstract, right. What!?; I don’t want to fit in that category.

“Who is that?” and what the hell is that suppose to be?” a collector asks looking at my work in a gallery. “oh that’s Tesa, she does abstract!” thus justifying a shitty painting with categorizing it as “Abstract”. “oh I love it, (suddenly) the collector says.

Bunch of crap that I don’t want to do, I don’t want to be like that.

Again, splashing paint onto a canvas doesn’t make you an artist. Just because I put a bandage on a boo boo doesn’t make me a doctor.

Or let alone not only do we have abstract we have good old expressionism. To me the down side of that movement is that anything goes, allowing people to call something art just because they can. Chromatic colors that are not properly mixed, perspective that is off and things a complete mess, but justified because an artist has narcissistically expressed themselves and made not only them but there work to be the best damn thing ever to grace a wall. Then even worse they charge up the ass for it; makes no sense to me.

painting-829573_640I know artist like this, where they are a justifying there hideous art by using the words “abstract” and “expressionism”.  Then putting fancy names to their work to further glorify crap, oh, but there international, so they look even better than what they are; yet this happens so much of the time.

When did abstract, expressionism and contemporary art become that?

So, after all of that, I don’t want to be like that. If I allow my illness, emotions, feelings, my own personal struggles to come into my art will it become that? Where is that line?

I guess I can make my own line, to where that is comfortable to me. To express myself in a deep emotional way that still holds an artist integrity that I want to upheld with the quality of my work. While allowing those emotions of my illness to bring in art as a way to heal through this hard time I have been and still go through.

poppy-834203_640Allow myself to open creatively while in the healing process of my illness. Creating good from the bad if you will. Through all this suffering must come something grand for me, maybe that could be myself as an artist blooming and evolving creating better art from the suffering? I would at least hope so.

Let go of the rules, the should be’s or do’s, after all I am an artist; right? I can do whatever the hell I want and call it art.

And if all else fails, if my art sucks, I’ll call it abstract expressionism (combine the two to make it sound even better) and name it an popular eastern foreign name making myself sound enlightened, because I am from reading ONE blog on that and then charge $10,000 for an 18×24. After all “I am an artist”!  Saying this with my nose in the air, fake accent, flinging my hair back, bragging that I am a self taught artistic genius, while angels sing when I mention my made up art name, by the way you should bow.

Not a bad worst case scenario, so what do I have to lose?

Ok…I’ll give it a go; art therapy.

Allowing my emotions and all facets of my illness to move creatively through me as a professional artist onto my canvas, in any way it wants to come. No judgment or agenda.

….stay tuned.